Helen hates peas.

Vanilla.

2012-01-30T17:07:00.001-08:00

The street light streamed in through her shutters, other than that the room was devoid of any light source. She preferred it that way as the two things that petrified her enough to evoke hyper-ventilation were deep water, and pitch black. As far as these things went she never really had any cause to go looking for water deep enough to immerse herself so completely, and because she originated from the town, she never had any experience of living without light pollution.

Another reason she liked to see beyond the windows at night was to gaze at the night sky. Stars held a magical quality for her. As timeless as the seasons, they were part of the very fabric of the world at its most basic level.
It was Vincent Van Gogh who said:

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.”

She related to that in its entirety, a little like staring out to sea, noises and distractions fell away until all that was left was her soul itself.

That was happening now, her head on the pillow, her eyes fixed on the stars visible between the shutter slats. Memories began to fill her thoughts. Always the same, like a carnal desire being pulled from the depths of her being.

Like a replayed movie in her brain, she could repeat everything or skip to the unabridged version that she considered highlights. Better still though; because it was relative real-time, she could still feel his mouth on her nipple. The way in which he caressed her………a near perfect balance of pleasure and pain. Past boyfriends had experimented with these themes, yet none had ever gotten the balance right and because of that, confused as to what the appeal was, she had long since dismissed this activity as something ‘not for her’.

It can be a dangerous thing to pull on a loose yarn; the harder you pull the more the sweater unravels….As she thought back to how he had made her feel: empowered, desired, hungry, sexual these thoughts evoked further memories and the movie replayed more.

There was something ultimately frantic about their liaisons because that was precisely what they were….opportune moments in which to engage self on a purely carnal level. Both knew the others desires, not through years of gathering data piece by piece, but through blunt concise messages and online conversations where the truth is not hindered by embarrassment or body language, it delivers a stark reality in a black and white Ariel typeface. From there, experiences are shared, fantasies are divulged and together they wind around the minds of the pair culminating in a strong physical desire for each other, the purest form of lust.

His words resonated through her mind “You make me insane when I am around you” this totally floored yet fascinated her because as much as sex was a virtual primary talking point, to her mind it was not something they easily spoke about in person. She felt clumsy and awkward trying to find an appropriate time, most of the time was inappropriate or when she had wanted to initiate touch, he seemed to rebuke her actions preferring to talk about lighter subjects and shared hobbies. There was never anything, as far as she could see, particularly longing or wanting about these moments. Maybe this was why it always seemed more opportune at the end of the day, at the end of their time together, when the light had faded and the bright young things came out to play. When words ceased and actions began he always maintained that within his mind she was a whisker away from his dominance.

Her inner self wanted to know more. For the first time in her life she was not on an equal or dominant footing. She hated to admit it but she was more submissive to him than with any other boyfriend. He was stronger in physical strength but also in character. He promised her he would push her boundaries, test her, and take her to her limits….it was like some dream sequence or role reversal, was she more Vanilla than him?

El Tango

2011-01-04T17:27:00.000-08:00

The room was dark, smoky, warm, crowded; she wasn’t entirely sure why she was here…or how she got here. Like the beginning of a dream, it felt like she was asleep. Maybe she was. Shadows, people she didn’t know if she could just remember something.

She couldn’t really see much- there was a dancefloor, a band was playing on the stage- it looked like some sort of social evening. Maybe she should get a drink- try to piece it together at the bar.
As she turned to head to the bar, she walked straight into his chest.
“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry”
He didn’t speak, his face totally obscured by his hat, the shadows covering the rest.
He wore a sharp pinstripe suit but that was all she could make out- more embarrassed about not watching where she was walking.

She moved to walk around him but he stepped to block her path, she looked up and in one move he grabbed her wrist, he held it firmly and began to pull her in the opposite direction.
This really did feel like a dream, things like this don’t happen in real life.

As she looked around the room, to try and call out- she realised no one was watching, they were sat in groups or couples and they were totally absorbed in what they were talking about- she wondered if they even noticed her. They all looked happy, laughing and joking in the shadows of the room she suddenly realised she couldn’t understand their language.

She allowed herself to be led by him, in a dreamlike state she arrived at the dancefloor. As they reached a place he released his grip- this time he took her into hold. The band began to play a Tango.
She was a competent dancer, but for this type of dancing she didn’t know these steps. He began to dance.
“I’m sorry, I can’t Tango”
He ignored this, continuing to dance around her, the strength in his body masculine, making elegant shapes.
She felt clumsy, trying to get his attention- he wasn’t listening.
“Excuse me, I don’t know the steps”
She moved as if to leave the floor.
He blocked her as he had done before, this time taking her into hold as he began to lead.

“You don’t belong here”
She sensed anger in his words…her failure to comply with the dance only fuelled this more, the staccato steps, the speed of the movement she felt totally lost.
Lost, frustrated and still confused as to why she was here and what was happening. Yet relieved that someone knew what was happening.

“Listen to me” he whispered in her ear.
“Dance with me”.
His voice was gravelly yet strong, his direction was comforting. She allowed herself to press further into hold- her chest close against his. There was something attractive about his assertive demeanour. She was so close to him, his aroma got into her head, slowly she remembered something. A dance… small steps she learned a long time ago, bit by bit.
For every experience she had ever had there had been a lesson, growth, a step. She was feeling memories, dreams, everything she had ever experienced bringing her to this moment- flowing into her head at once- it was too much to process. She closed her eyes.

Suddenly silence.

The cackling laugher of the other people in the room stopped- they were all there, she knew if she looked they would be there but all she heard was the music...and his breathing. She opened her eyes and fixed her eyes on the dance floor- she was no longer thinking- she was connected to her partner. She could anticipate his moves and match them, the moves became fast and then slow- she extended and he directed, all the while joined at the chest, her heart beating close to his.
There was no need to think at this time- he knew the way, he was the way. All she had to do was stay in hold and dance his steps.

Beyond the Picket Fence

2011-01-01T04:30:00.000-08:00

Haiku for him
My brother in heart
How quickly the tide turned
I mourn for that time

My lover in heart
I could cry you a river
I wish you the best

Everyone has the ability to be multi-faceted. Of this I am quite convinced. However you wish to develop those facets is your journey, that’s the journey that you will look back on and call life.

For as many people there are in the world today, there are personalities and facets to accommodate them. It is rare that any two would ever be identical but empathy and understanding are a common place between people. Like a cut diamond, you can turn a person, and absorb them, the colours, the sparkle the many faces, like masks they cover the facet of a person and give it a personality.

Relationships are evolving.
I don’t need to meet you to understand you.

I saw your photographs and read your emails. I understood your character and through a process of questions, answers, information exchange and processing, I formed a judgement. I found your circle of friends, your family, you opened a window to your world and I stood in your garden and observed.

There are problems that surface when looking into a life and they are exactly the same as when looking into a home. You know who lives there, you know their routine. What you don’t know is what is said when the doors are locked and the windows are closed.
Like pieces of a jigsaw I filled in the blanks.
In my mind you were happy behind your picket fence and immaculate drapes……how shocking when the true façade was revealed.

Information exchange is a powerful catalyst. The more you gave the more I assimilated, the more your emails stacked in my inbox, the faster I responded and the more I said…and the less reserved you became and I wanted to know, more had to know.

The diamond turned and in a flash the mask slipped. You saw my true colours, red-hot, wanton, unrestrained….you recognised me for who I was and unwittingly I had dropped all my cards straight into your lap. It had been a long time since you had seen me, and you wanted to see more- you were hungry. For a moment, our worlds touched and the connection was made.

I tried my best to remain above board, socially acceptable and proper in an attempt to twist the mask back to the time when I was standing in your garden looking in, but sadly this just increased your desire and want- ironically the harder I tried, the more it worked against me.
You wanted the Bad Girl, and she wanted you, we had come to far to ignore what we both knew. You could twist the mask with a flutter of words and my mind was transported. I could not longer stay a spectator in the garden.

We knew I couldn’t come into the house, and you couldn’t come outside, beyond the picket fence- not until the time is right for you. And that is why I had to leave.

The Silence and the Sea

2010-08-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

She sat at the end of a long week. Staring from the brink of a chasm of chaos into silence. Like a siren it called to her, she concluded long ago there is something safe about it, the peace, the calm, the untouched perfection- assuming of course her own mind isn’t piercing the silence with a rumbling din of thoughts.

At this particular moment, it was the safer option, she was centred, nauseated by a week of active listening, sadly to conversations she wished she wasn’t having. The silence was a welcome retreat.
There are different types of silence. There are those that are glossy, shiny and bright- these are not sought but inflicted, when you look up and realise those around you left long ago, and you are staring back at your own reflection in the mirror.

There are dark silences, sought by those the world does not understand, full of confusion and rage, chained to ideas that can never be set free, black tidal waves engulf those who stray there rewarding them with self pity and loneliness.

Matt Silences, like dulled sound waves- they exist in the busiest of places, like the middle of a city in the middle of the day in a busy station- and yet those who live there cannot be heard or hear. They are invisible despite being in full view.

She was being seduced by a sinking sand of silence- not deadly but warm, a beach to walk along and lose the few active thoughts she had left. It all suddenly seemed so pointless. The warm sea breezes danced through her hair and as she moved her hand to push it from her face the action took her back to him.

He had done that in the past.

She remembered how he stood behind her in the moonlight and wrapped his arms around her waist pulling his arms and taking her breath for a moment- and then he kissed her neck, she remembered her head spinning for a moment as he took her weight in his arms and kissed her more. She fell to her knees as he gently let her go kissing her on her head before he too started to sink to the ground, the moon illuminated the sea as she sat on the sand, allowing the black waves to saturate her skirts like oil spilling and bubbling around her. She lay back, feeling the ebb and flow of the tide gently saturating through her clothes and permeating her skin.
He gazed down at his siren, his shadow casting across her, he too was pulled down to meet the midnight energy.

She opened her eyes as she felt the weight of his body mirroring hers, instinctively their bodies moving as one.
Not a word was spoken as their lips met, connecting an electric current through their bodies, as the water continued to push and pull around them.

13th August 2010

Questioning Eve

2010-06-12T17:47:00.001-07:00

“So, you imitated us?”
“No!”
“No? “
“No, its not like that”
“Then tell me how it is, because I’d really love an explanation right now”
She lifted her hand to her brow and slowly rubbed her forehead, the intensity of everything was crashing down around her. This must be what a press conference is like, she thought to herself. Except this wasn’t a press conference. It was one way. He was asking for answers but they both knew he already knew the answers and it didn’t look good for her.

She couldn’t bring herself to look up, but she knew she had to. Their eyes met briefly before she tore them away- it was electrifying. He was staring directly into her soul deep inside her but the rage and jealousy reflected in his gaze was palpable.
She was on her knees desperately trying to retrace her steps.

He gave an exasperated sigh. “Have you ANY idea how I feel?!”
With this she felt a knot in her stomach. She realised she had always kept him at arms length, never truly letting him in.
“All I wanted was for you to be happy, it was ALL FOR YOU!”
Her chest tightened as she heard the raw emotion spilling out of him.
“Even now, even now you can’t even tell me! LOOK AT ME!”
She couldn’t move. She was rooted to the spot in the front room, on her knees.
She was acutely aware of life around her, in the distance she could hear childrens voices playing and the birds were singing. It was a beautiful day, and yet she was outside of it all, outside of time itself.

“What went wrong between us? It could have been so good- I would have given you what you needed, you could have been so happy. Yet instead……..instead, you took my gifts to you- and gave them away, wasted them. With people you could never have, they would never understand you or make you happy, not like I could have done.”
With that he sat down.
She started to cry. “I’m so sorry” she whispered “I don’t know what else to say”
He continued his voice heavy with sorrow “I gave you the world. It could have been so perfect……..I loved you”
Quietly she began “This is all my fault….I know….. I am so sorry. It just…….wasn’t enough for me” Her gaze was still fixed on the square of carpet directly in front of her. She sensed him stiffen and slightly turn towards her. “WASN’T ENOUGH?!” He sighed and his body relaxed again “It was all you could have hoped for and more”.

She lifted her eyes to look at him his head was in his hands and he was crying silent tears. The knot grew more, tears welled in her eyes. The realisation of how she had at first distanced herself, then ignored him until such a point where she had just about abandoned him. Would she have remembered him if he hadn’t shown up today? She always came back to him eventually, usually when the chips were down, when she needed something from him. How materialistic she had become. In his presence, all of that seemed so irrelevant, so…..vain. All of a sudden, other people didn’t seem so important- their ideas and values, their understanding and perception of her, seemed so utterly useless. Their testimony of her would be of no relevance to him. He didn’t know them, so how could he take their word for anything?
“You know me better than I know myself” he didn’t move. The pain across his face said enough. She wanted to touch him, to extend something of herself to him, to comfort him, yet she couldn’t, she had no right. She lost that privilege a long time ago.

“You don’t need me” she said.
There was a pause as the truth of the words settled in the room.
“True” he whispered finally, “I don’t need you” he looked directly at her “But I want you….because I love you.”
“Please don’t leave me” she whispered tears streaming down her face.
“Because I DO need you.”

13th June 2010

Scenario Project (Me): The Elevator

2010-05-07T18:38:00.001-07:00

She glanced at him and they erupted into fits of giggles. Judging by the way her breasts were angled, nothing other than her usual vintage lingerie could create her signature "Bullet Bra" shape.
That and she was a stickler for matching sets, in her book comando was something to do with the military, ladies should not go out without pants. Ever. She leaned into him and kissed him on the lips, her whole body touching his, she purred as he responded, loving the energy being created between them. The elevator probably contained CCTV, they were probably being watched by security in windowless rooms with only donuts for company. She couldn't care less, he had unleashed her and she felt high on adrenaline.
The elevator pinged to indicate they had reached the lobby, she spun round to face the opening doors and they both exited.

It was still relatively quiet, there were a couple of people using the phone booths over by the vending machine and someone using one of the vending machines, the main flurry of activity came from the token group of Europeans decanting from their hot coach transfer to the hotel check in, half dragging/half wheeling their suitcases through the rotating doors. It looked like some package holiday deal, they all looked older and from their broken english appeared to be German.

The lovers passed by, noticed by no one, but then, what was there to notice- they were in the city that never sleeps, there were far more colourful characters and pairings in this city than them.
They used the side door to avoid battling the revolving doors and the stop-start of the Germans and their luggage.
As they stepped onto the sidewalk she felt his hand take hers. Her heart skipped a beat. He would never know, but this was one of those small things that was amplified to her. She often longed to walk hand in hand when she was back home, it is one of those rare things that can only be done with a lover. Friends couldn't hold hands- it was too close and the wrong sort of relationship. She had many friends, but she would never be able to hold their hands. It would change things.
He could hold her hand. She cast her mind back to last night, when she curled up in bed with him he kissed the top of her head. This was another one of those affectionate gestures that can only be given in love to a total submissive. Traditionally parents take this role, and later in life lovers can take up the mantel, its not even close to sexual but the implication runs far deeper.
As they walked she matched his pace, she was tall in her red patent heels, he commented on that just after meeting in the airport yesterday. On the otherhand she appreciated his smart turn out. He was military, that was clear enough, he couldnt escape his roots.

"What would you like for breakfast?" she asked him
He gave a quizzical smile and paused "I thought I'd eaten already"
She blushed slightly "Calm yourself!....you don't want to get me started again do you?"
He paused to pull out his cigarettes, he raised one eyebrow "Is that a question or an offer?"
"I'll choose to ignore that!"
He smiled expelling smoke through his nose. "All right, you win" he said taking back her hand.
As she took it he pulled a little making her stop and glance back to him.
"Helen, what is going on with you, I want to kiss you all the time" from his face she could see he meant it.
"You don't have to ask, you can have whatever you want"
"Ooo be careful what you wish for honey, you might just get it AND some besides"
"Well, right now, I can honestly say I want a decaff coffee and a toasted bagel"
"Decaff? Whats the point of coffee if its decaff?"
She rolled her eyes and tugged his hand, "Decaff, thats my final answer!"

5th May 1.27

Scenario Project (Him): Hotel Showers

2010-05-07T18:35:00.002-07:00

He pulled her on top again and they kissed a slow steamy kiss, not one of just the mouth and tongue, but a kiss everywhere their bodies touched: hand to hand, bare breasts to bare chest and more.

She had deftly positioned herself on top of his hardness; he felt her heat summon his desire. The thin fabric of his shorts and her pajamas seemed to disappear ... he could merely thrust his hips forward ...

He broke the kiss and their eyes met.

"Do you know what I want?" he asked.

In a soft voice she asked, "No. What *do* you want?"

"Breakfast!" he said with glee.

And he ticked her sides and she laughed, squirming away before he could get a hold of a foot.

He picked up her camisole and held it out like a matador's cape, taunting her with a smile.

She held her fingers up like horns and made a laughing charge at the fabric.

And he ticked her some more.

She snatched back top and covered breasts with look of mock pouting.

He opened the door to the adjoining hotel room, and motioned with his thumb, and said, "Into the shower, you."

She raised her eyebrows and gave him a come-hither smile.

"Like to wash my back?" she said.

"We'll see," he said dryly.

The embraced again and he held her breasts in his hands, giving each nipple a tease with his mouth, then lingering on a final kiss on her mouth. He turned her toward the door and gave her a little pat on the behind.

"Be that way," she said.

She pulled the door shut, blowing him a kiss.

When the door closed, he noticed how hard his heart was beating.

"What a woman," he thought to himself.

He started the water for the shower and stepped out of his shorts.

In the next room, he heard her shower running. And he imagined her naked in the warm sudsy water.

Then he looked down and had an epiphany: "Ah," he thought. "This is how spontaneous combustion happens - an erection like this and you simply burst into flames."

He turned the water in the shower down as cold as he could stand it.

------------------------------------------

They met in the hallway outside their rooms. The space had that quality of sameness shared by every modern hotel hallway around the globe. As if the world were a stage, and the set designers keep reusing using the same set for every hotel hallway scene.

She emerged from her room with a little flourish and he kissed her on the cheek.

As usual, she was impeccably coifed and radiant. She wore a knit sweater that favored bust line and a skirt with buttons up the front.

Hand-in-hand they walked to the elevator. When the doors slid closed, he said in his most formal, interrogative tone: "One question I must ask, Miss. Are you wearing any underwear?"

Looking straight ahead with a Mona Lisa smile, she responded slowly, "Maybe."

May 4th 21.36

Scenario Project (Me): Hotel Mornings

2010-05-07T18:35:00.001-07:00

She stirs; instinctively she knows this is not her bed. Those are not the usual noises. In fact there should be no noise. It should be quiet. She opens her eyes, instantly she remembers- him.
She is in New York , she arrived yesterday, they both did from their retrospective home lands.
New York was a metaphor. It was the place where they could be together in an otherwise unlikely relationship.
Her brain began to wake up; as usual it started with her eyes, and then worked its way down her body like a snake curling its way around her upper body down to her legs, causing her to stretch slowly.

As she allowed herself to gently stretch out she felt his arm wind across her waist. Her camisole had moved in the night and as his hand slid over the satin, it found a space where the material from her pyjamas and her camisole had parted. His hand was warm but her body was warmer, the sensation of physical skin on skin contact caused an electric reaction that snapped her awake in a moment. She sensed him hesitate- unknown territory.

Although they had slept in the same bed last night, it was only sleeping and in part due to her. She arrived at his hotel door in the night desperate to share space with him. It was beyond sex, sure it would have been easy to have instigated all night orgasms with a few blow jobs in for good measure, but this was more than that. More than sex? Wow, she never thought that was possible- naively she always believed sex was the end game. But that was before him. Before she even realised she was being seduced, before he worked his way into her subconscious and showed her just what sexual energy could do. It was pure mental stimulation; pure like the neatest vanilla extract and its aroma drove her to places she had only read about in books.

What to do now….she sensed this could change things but there is something about early morning dalliances that forgave in a way that the night did not.
His hand was still poised; in that moment she turned to face him and before he could say a word she kissed, she kissed him with an urgency, it was lustful in its approach, it was needy- but not for sex. She needed him to understand how he made her feel. Their lips were parted and their tongues began to explore each others mouths, again. They had played this game yesterday, when they met and straightaway she liked the way his mouth fitted to hers, the way he kissed her and held her hair firm in his hand as he did so. Her body began to climb on top of him, her thighs straddling him, she held his face in her hands- her breathing increased, his did too, she was aware of his excitement she was equally aroused but curiously that was not why she was doing it. She wanted this space, this moment, this morning.
Deftly he slid her camisole over her torso revealing her breasts. Their lock broke only for a second, enough to discard the satin garment and hungrily feed back to each other, his hands now in free reign over her chest. No hesitation now. Her nipples gave that much away. She pushed down, the weight of her body on his, the swell of her breasts pushing into his chests, her lips moved from his mouth around to his neck, her hand holding his face. She came to a resting position with her head on his shoulder.

“Wow” he said “That was the best wake-up call ever”
She giggled “Good; that was the idea”
“I love your breasts”
She looked twisted and lay on her back looking down at them “Yeah…..So do I”

4th May 2010 18.21

Scenario Project (Him): First Evening

2010-05-07T18:34:00.001-07:00

With the day’s events spinning in his head, he looks at the ceiling of the Manhattan hotel room. The lights of neon signs provide an abstract play of light and dark above. He is happy, very happy.

The down comforter is soft, but it does not help him sleep. “Woosh,” he thinks, “I am head over heels.”

He is vaguely aware of the hum and hiss of the traffic on the street below. He starts to drift of to sleep, thinking of her, enchanted by her charm and intellect.

Softly: “knock, knock, knock,” comes from the door to the adjoining room.

“Sigh,” he says to no one in particular.

He unlocks the door and finds her standing there barefoot, in a lavender camisole and orange flowered pajama bottoms.

She looks at the floor with a sheepish grin, “ I couldn’t sleep.”

“Please, Helen, come in,” he says.

He beckons her with a sweep of his arm and opens up the covers of the bed.

She scoots in to the downy bed with an almost, but not quite inaudible giggle.

He follows her and slips into bed.

He pulls her close to his chest and curls up with her, his arm over her side.

The aroma of her hair is intoxicating; he kisses the top of her head.

He murmurs, “Sweet dreams, my love.” And he thinks he can feel her smile.

Mingled with the sounds of the traffic below, he hears her breath assume the cadence of sleep. He is happy, very happy.

And side-by-side, like the ellipsis of a quotation mark, they slumber together.

3rd May 2010 4.13am

Scenario Project (Him): Stage One- the Meeting

2010-05-07T18:31:00.002-07:00

The Scenario Project is a series of short pieces of writing written by me and a close male friend. In turn we both write follow on pieces of the story assuming the roles of the lead characters. The author is identified in the title.

Terminal 4, John F. Kennedy International Airport
Saturday, 1:30 p.m.

Amid the chaotic bustle of the arrival hall, he stands outside the exit from customs. He scans every face, looking for her, but it’s too early; her 747 should have just touched down.

Glancing in his reflection of the glass, he adjusts his jacket and stands up straight. “I hope I look okay,” he wonders. Looking back is a man of indeterminate age, six-feet tall, military haircut, sport coat, white dress shirt, black jeans and running shoes. “We’ll,” he thinks to himself, “I am what I am.”

The man’s cell phone announces an incoming text and he flips it open to read: “We just landed XXX.” His insides respond with a sudden flush of butterflies, arousal … and a touch of apprehension. He knows her so well, yet, perhaps? He tamps down his doubt.

It’s going to be a few minutes for her to work her way though the Kafkaesque thrash of baggage claim, customs and immigration. He tries to manage the anticipation with Zen-like thoughts of nature scenes and peaceful water – it isn’t working. So he distracts himself with practical matters. One more time, he reviews the folder of documents that outlines their holiday:

- Reservations for two adjoining rooms in a small hotel on West 81st Street
- Check
- Pair of tickets to the Broadway show “Wicked”
- Check
- Tickets to MoMA
- Check

There’s more, but he puts the papers away and goes back to the Zen space. It’s better now. Time passes. He’s feeling the effects of the six hour flight from San Francisco, but he know her eight hours from Heathrow (not counting the train ride), has got to be rough. That, and her body clock says it’s 6:30 p.m. The joys of international travel – it’s a fuzzy blur.

The sound level in the hall goes up a notch as Customs disgorges a new wave of passengers. He scans the crowd.

And there she is, with her radiant smile. His heart races.

They run to each other, but stop, their spheres of personal space just ever so slightly overlapping.

A pause.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she said.

He steps inside her sphere, and with his finger, gently draws her crimson lips close.

Their lips touch, tentatively. A little kiss; a peck.

They look at each other and kiss again.

Lips part, tongues dance.

He runs his fingers through her hair as their bodies embrace.

They alone, together; anticipation, heated by their touch, becomes passion.

They come up for air and look into each other’s eyes, smiling.

The lovers look around to see if they’re making a scene, but apparently nobody even notices them. Good.

“Let’s do that again,” he says.

They embrace again, this time more slowly and sultry.

He takes his hand and subtly, gently, cups her breast. He imagines he can feel her nipple hardening through the clothing.

“I knew you were going to do that,” she says. And they both laugh.

He picks up her suitcase, and offers her his arm.

“Let’s grab a taxi,” he says.

And arm in arm, the lovers stroll out towards the mid-day New York sun.

1st May 2010 3.19am

Evening in a new city

2010-05-07T18:31:00.001-07:00

She lay in her hotel bed. It was after midnight, yet there was general muffled noise of people getting in further down the corridor.

She went over the evening in her head, they had been out for dinner, 2 foreigners in a new city. They had lots of fun, those kind of moments where you are so happy inside your eyes act as camera lenses and your brain is the shutter, in a moment it captures the scene and instantly processes the images to a memory bank in your head, for access at a later date. At this moment they were still so fresh to her. When she shut her eyes and concentrated she remembered his laugh, the way he watched her intently when he listened, the quirky way he noticed the small things like the menu font or the way the candle flame stretched itself elegantly.

He was an Alpha Male and he made her think in a way unfamiliar to her, there were boundaries, but nothing they didn't already know about. When they were together though, it was hard to explain- it was as if those lines were there, yet not there. They never wanted to abuse or overstep them, but they wanted to step on them now and again.
All she knew was she needed to be around him, he was infectious, like the way in which a song can leave a radio and curl its way into your head for a day, so he filled her mind her thoughts, her breaths, her ideas.

She wished he was still with her now in this room, only this arrangement was more....appropriate.
She rolled onto her side- picked up her mobile and composed a text...."still awake? can't sleep XX"

A few moments passed and her phone sprung to life illuminating the room, instinctively her eyes opened and her fingers were already accessing the message "Yes, me neither, fancy a chat?".
"Sure, come across".

She waited, poised like a prey expecting to be discovered. She heard a few muffled noises and the click of his hotel door across the hall. She walked to the door and opened it as he began to knock. "Hello" "Hello Bob, come on in" He smiled at her and she began to feel better, the room felt less vast as he entered into it.

He stood facing her close enough to study all her expressions and body language quite clearly. "Are you ok?" he asked her.

Yeah I'm good, its that paradox where I'm really tired but I couldn't sleep, thoughts going round in my mind"

"Oh? Bad dreams?"

"No no just thinking about this evening and how great it was and how great you were and you and, and....."
She bit her lower lip and glanced to the floor, accutely aware that it had happened again. Fatigue was her giveaway, she could always be depended upon to be truthfully honest when questioned in a tired state of mind.

"Me?" she glanced up and caught the flickr of a smile that ignited a light in his eyes.
"Yes, you know, I just meant.....I....."
What did she mean? She didn't even know what was happening anymore, all she did know was the man in front of her meant a great deal to her, more than she had realised.

"Shhhh" He placed his index finger over her lips. "I know, but right now Sleeping Beauty its time for bed "
With that he pulled her slightly forward and kissed her on the top of her head.
"Are you staying here?" She asked.
"Do you want me to stay here?"
"Yes"
"Then I will." With that he climbed in beside her, turned out the light and wrapped his arm around her waist.
She sighed quietly and closed her eyes.

24th April 2010 1.11am

An alternate reality

2010-05-03T16:20:00.000-07:00

He'd arrived but he was late; damn work. The guilt was all over him, he'd already called her, told her he was on his way.
He scanned the bar looking for her. There she was, reading, absent-mindely circling her drink with her straw.
He approached her table still tense with guilt. He walked over to the table she was sitting at, she looked up.
"Baby I'm sorry, work was crazy, I tried to get away 3 times but I......"

"Shhhhhh" She stood up to greet him, placed her index finger over his mouth. "Your here" with that she leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. "Mmmmm"

He loved that. The way she could completely stop him in his tracks with one word, one action. For a moment he was paused, not quite knowing what to do next. She must have read his mind. "Are you hungry?"
"Actually I am"
"Great, lets eat dinner here"
He sat opposite her at the table, feeling the cares of the week ebbing away. She was asking him about his day, telling him about interesting things she had seen that day, listening when he spoke, he loved the way she spoke with her hands, every now and again, she would place her hand on the back of his hand that was on the table. Her touch was soft.

She was aware she was talking too much, but she couldn't help herself, she was so excited to see him, she wanted to hear all about his day, and tell her about hers. She touched his hand now and again when she spoke. She wanted to hold his hand but she didn't have the confidence.

The waiter brought their food across and broke the connection to her hand for the time being.
He spoke over dinner, told her about his day, how great that it was finally the weekend. How he was looking forward to spending real time relaxing with her.

This had turned out to be one of those trips she would remember forever. It was the first time they had met in real life, despite knowing each others most intimate thoughts. He was very much as she'd imagined him to be, maybe a little quieter. He was a thinker.

He gazed at her as she finished her dessert. Chocolate ice cream. How he wanted to be that spoon right now. He could feel his energy coming back. Her eyes sparkled in the candlelight, he loved her laugh, it was infectious- she made him smile.

She could feel herself coming to life. Always at night when the stars came out to play. She was a night owl, she enjoyed walking with him at night. Tonight felt different though. A different energy. She wanted to relax with him instead. Share intimate space. Safe.

He finished his coffee, as she finished her tea. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to the bathroom" "no problem" he said. She looked cute in her red dress, he watched her walk to the restrooms and go inside.
Whilst she was gone he settled the bill.
A few moments later she came back to the table.
"I've settled up, you ready?" he said as he stood up.
"Oh!- thanks hunny" she kissed him again, only this time he was ready. As she pulled back he quickly placed his arm around her and held her there a few more seconds. He felt her slightly falter, her weight in his arm. As they pulled apart he looked at her, she gave a wry smile and looked at the floor, "Lets go"

The air outside was cooler, it had gone dark although it wasn't late.
They walked over to his car and got in. "Where do you want to go?" he asked.
"Well, I don't know" he voice trailed off as she looked out of the window.
"You tired baby?" He reached out and touched her thigh as he asked. He saw her react a little.

She felt a pulse of electricity again, this time in hr thigh. They had finished their meal and as they were getting ready to leave, she drew up the confidence to kiss him. He reacted favourably, holding her in for a moment. She felt her head spin slightly as he did it, little sparks went off inside her. She got a grip of herself as they walked out of the restaurant.
The cold air sobered her mind slightly but it was the end of the week. All she really wanted to do was relax. The combination of a full meal and relaxing company compounded the need to kick back.

Instinctively she moved her hand to his, "Lets go back to the hotel"
She closed her eyes and curled into the passenger seat. He smiled "No problem".

He pulled the car onto the highway and smiled to himself as he glanced to see her curled up next to him. Her perfume filled his head and he felt intoxicated by her.

28th April 2010 11.28pm

Reality Check

2010-02-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

You know that image you have in your head, the one where he shakes his head at you when you've screwed up, a bit like a loving grandad, wanting to discipline but not quite able?

Well....You've got it all wrong.

Think back to those times, when your so upset you could explode, when all the emotion gets too much and you feel you cant make sense of it and you just want to scream from deep within your very soul.

Your on the right lines. This is how your making him feel.

What do you mean when? You know very well when, when you willingly participate in activities that he specifically asked you not too. Imagine how you'd feel if you asked your children to stop indulging themselves in things that waste their time, only they never listened properly and decided to go ahead all the time.

Drifting

2010-01-31T17:13:00.000-08:00

"I've always been in love with you, I guess you've always known, I took your love for granted why oh why the show is over say goodbye.....take a bow"

She woke up with a start, realising that for the 3rd month consecutively she went to sleep without speaking to him. The man she was supposed to love with all her heart.
There was something about statistics that made sense of those clouds in the brain, those "I can't remembers" or sketch timeframes. If she was totally honest with herself she hadn't spoken to him in about a year.

When she let her mind think about this a terrible guilt overwhelmed her. She knew this from the past, before she got close to him, before she knew better.

That was part of the problem, the illogical beauty of rebellion. She knew what it felt like to be around him, to interact with him, to recognise him and get excited at the thought of all the plans he had, he was ambitious, much more than she ever could be...

...When she let herself think about it, she loved the theory, the control he had, the seamless ease at which life played out. Yet the honest truth was lack of control was a hinderance to her. She worked within her own control, which ultimately placed boundaries, to let people in......and let her out.

These rules that formed through control had become small at first, like tidy little picket hedges creating a logical sense for rhyme and reason. They soon grew to be important to her, both in meaning and concequently in height, soon she couldn't jump over them anymore, they had become too high.
So she remained trapped, unable to even see him.

Sometimes if the wind blew the right way she thought she heard his voice, calling to her. Sometimes people had passed on messages, telling her he was asking about her.
Inside her, somewhere underneath doubt and guilt she knew, if she called him, if she actually took the time out to ask, he would knock down these walls and would rescue her.

Before she ever got around to asking him, she had fallen asleep again, telling herself she would definately think about getting over this wall tomorrow. Another day had passed, and so he remained, on the other side of the wall, longing to see her, to ask her how she was getting on, to tell her that he loves her.

Would this night be the night, alone in the dark......

The Flame.

2010-01-25T16:20:00.001-08:00

“You should have picked up the first time” and there it was. That voice. His voice, instantly recognisable, smooth and completely compelling. She hadn't expected it to be him, and for a brief second, she was caught unaware, paralysed a million memories of before shooting to the forefront.

And then she remembered herself, and their game. A wry smile made its way to the corner of her mouth as she asked him politely and professionally to call back later......she wasn't alone. This conversation would require all of her attention and she couldn't afford to be overheard

It had started earlier that week. After perusing her inbox for the daily dose of spam vs. junk she paused over one particular London based sale email. Her mind went to him, in his little London bubble, and without thinking she was hitting the forward button, she drafted the usual 'saw this and thought of you' excuse and duly hit the send button having passed through her thoughts and thinking no more of him.

Not long later she had a reply, from him. She half expected a response, he was too professional not to acknowledge the receipt, her eyes skimmed the reply and then stopped short. The last sentence almost stood straight off the screen.

“In hindsight I am seriously wondering whether I was in love with you in my own odd way."

She snapped herself back, convinced her imagination had concocted such an unexpected outburst.

Her last efforts to engage him in a rendezvous had resulted in a spectacular shortfall and although disappointed she accepted it. She read it again. There is something quite startling about the aesthetics of black text on white. To read something in black and white, the starkness of facts moulded into words using the harshness of black and embedded, pressed into sheets of virgin white.

It was there it happened, all those memories flooding her mind like photographs spinning to such a pace that it caused a tiny ignition inside. And she knew it.

Immediately she was forming her response, politely skirting the issue yet desperate to mention it.

Common sense was starting to prevail, and by the time she pressed send, she realised he was still a memory, a nice reminder today of what could have been back then.

Yet the fire was not diminishing.

She emailed him back from work, beginning to remember more as their contact grew more frequent, like re-connecting, re-familiarising herself with him all over again.

And then he rang her, and the sound of his voice connected more parts to the puzzle.

This morning she awoke with him on her mind, she could almost reach out and touch him, she could feel him touching her. She could feel his desire almost tangibly on her skin. Later that morning, she questioned herself, slightly disappointed that she could be so easily pulled back, yet at the same time ecstatic that she was being pulled back. Was it backwards? Or were they just headed for those places they had been too afraid to admit before?

That night he called her, they talked again, he admitted things, she did the same. Both of them had their own insecurities and frustrations from the other. The future is unwritten. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, she felt his hand on her thigh.

Tears in the rain.

2010-01-25T16:19:00.001-08:00

Nobody notices tears in the rain.

She sat alone in the hotel room, it was one of the better hotels yet the lights seemed gloomy. The light cast down over her seeping into her mind, her thoughts.

She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror- strangely familiar yet startlingly unexpected. She studied critically- tear washed cheeks smudged red by constant wiping away- she sniffed for the hundredth time. They say the eyes are the window to the soul; her soul must be drowning- the glassy eyes stared back.

Anger fleetingly passed through her mind startling like a lightning bolt, she hated low emotions.

She took a shower hoping the effect of more water to her saturated soul might revive a renaissance of life.

Her mood that night was reflected in the weather- it was dark and the rain was falling- not heavy, more of a spray fine mist falling like a muslin blanket over the streets of London.

She looked up to the stars, a pinprick of light but the rain misted her vision her tears became camouflaged- invisible.

The warmth of the restaurant windows seemed misplaced yet luring- she was escorted to a seat in the window whilst the waiter lit her candle, she gazed into the orange flame……..

Lovesick.

2010-01-25T16:18:00.002-08:00

She stares blankly at the screen, the PC is full of data but like the Matrix she fails to see what is there, her eyes focus between the lines, she has perfected the art of reading without processing.

Her mind has been in rewind most of the day, like a bad trip she remembers the soft lighting, his voice, the concern in his voice, the pain in her heart, the terrible pain that inevitably leads to tears.

Those tears, soft and subtle yet hard and obvious.....her give away.

She closed her eyes trying to erase the situation, she tried to cast her mind back to those walks, the all-night conversations, the sly kisses, the closeness, the way he engaged her mind, exciting her deeply......

She had fallen for him, she had resigned herself to this fact a while ago, yet the realisation of the fact had left her feeling vulnerable. In her weakness he seemed strong, distant almost, he had told her he wanted to help her yet she didn't even know how she could help herself. She had told him she felt empty, empty and a terrible sense of failure had overwhelmed her beneath the sea of tears.....she was drowning, she lay down and slept.

With the morning comes the light, this signals a temporary death and dispersal to the darkness and the associated entities that live in the dark depths, plaguing the imagination.

Her day had started with remorse, it had discovered a shaded area of her mind, free from the light and whispered to her mind, gradually as she had grown stronger she was able to light up her mind with good thoughts and ideas. Remorse had died for the time being.

Where was she now.....not on fire as she had been, but she was shining. She thought of him, she told herself the truths he had told her and was contented.

Her heart still ached for him.

The End.

2010-01-25T16:18:00.001-08:00

She could feel the tears pricking in her eyes.
She knew this was going to happen.
‘’Can I have a word’’ he’d said. A word. The expectation itself meant more than just a quick hello.
He was sincere. She had listened. Neither of them could give each other eye contact, a complete juxtaposition to the last time they had been in each others company.

She looked at him; he’d had his hair cut. He knew she liked the way his hair curled at the nape of his neck- yet they had all been cut off- as if defiant towards her. He was wearing the jacket she advised him to buy, he looked good. Again she felt a pang of a memory both made and unmade, what was and what could have been. The tears pricked again.

She tried to remain upbeat, she told him she liked the way his hair fell at the front; he rejected the compliment. She told him she liked the way he looked in his jacket. He didn’t respond. She told him that at least he’d look good whatever else happened. He didn’t say anything.

He looked vulnerable and yet he was in control, he knew what he had to say and it had to be said there and then.

She admired that, at least he kept it quick and to the point, like removing a plaster.

He told her he had to let go, let go of her and what was and what could have been. He told her it was going to be hard, his feelings were still the same but there was nothing he could do to convince her.

She nodded silently; she looked over her shoulder, allowing herself a brief moment to wipe away the tears that were threatening to fall- her giveaway.

She looked back, she nodded again- she told him that was the right thing to do. Despite hearing herself, she noted how detached and objective those words were. It was one of those times when logic and rational prevail- emotion has no place here. This was the pain, the pain of those words cutting away at the romantic notions of a life and love that could have been.

He had to leave; he said he had things to do, work that could not wait. She stepped forward and embraced him, she felt the memories of that familiar embrace drain, like revisiting a familiar dwelling many years later- the immediacy of the feelings they had known were no more. They had reached that fork in the road and they were on a different course.

Goodbye.

Night Dreams

2010-01-25T16:16:00.000-08:00

She preferred to think of herself as a night owl, one of those nocturnal creatures that came alive at night when the moon ruled the skies and the stars danced and shone over the expanse of the skies.

Most nights the stars embraced her company, lighting up her thoughts and inspiring her mind to wander and dream, and listening to her plans whilst the moon looked down approvingly. But then there were some nights when the clouds came between her and the stars the darkness took hold of her, slowly winding its way around her and absorbing her mind with abstract confusion that sent her deeper into the darkness unable to see the light.

There hadn't been many of these nights lately which she was glad about. She was absorbing her thoughts with him, every aspect of him.

She hadn’t been sure at first, whether she could risk that which she had spent so long protecting, solitary un-taming can be a wonderful thing, running through the fields of your own ideas and pushing to climb to new heights. She had learned to embrace the freedom with a joyful spirit.....but when the clouds came even she could not escape the despairing depths of loneliness.

It was in that time, that time of her weakness that she had dared to risk, it was in that time that he had decided to sit next to her.

Parle Vous Geek? I <3 the internet.

2009-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Hello Blogger,
Today I am starting a new theme of blogging, I seem to always look inside my head and try to make sense of things according to me. Which is ok for that moment in time, but a pretty boring read.

So, I have been wondering how to Blog. So I looked at the Blogs that I like to read and suddenly, there was the lightbulb moment- everything I read about has a point to it- I always feel like I’ve learned something by the end of it.

So, I am starting here. With the internet.

I love the net, I have been an active social networker for about 10 years now, maybe 9. I began where loads of people seemed to gravitate to- chat rooms.
This was back in the day before they were all shut down for dark and dismal reasons.
I used to use MSN chatrooms, and then, I stumbled across Knowhere chat. This was a lesser known and brilliant site- you usually got the same people signing in and at night the American people would be online and during the day, English and Irish.
From here, I met Wendy, who introduced me to Darren who I dated for a while, he introduced me to an MSN Group called Bohemian Corner and I met a whole group of girls from Northern Ireland and spent some quality days with them all during a summer in Belfast.

I stayed with the Boho’s for a few years, before it started to be superseded with MySpace and more recently Facebook.
I will write more about this next time.

And so to bed
XX

Helen Davies is......being 30. Day one of the next 10 years :)

2009-10-23T18:28:00.000-07:00

Its been 2 hours and 29 minutes as I type this (that Sinead inspired beggining was the best I could come up with :). I don't feel tired which is usual for me, however I know I will feel SO tired at 9am.

I have already had some pretty gifts which is cool. I am tabbed browsing with Facebook, Hotmail and Flickr oh and I am listening to worship music through my headphones on the laptop.

I think I need to start blogging a little more regularly about normal stuff, plans, making them and sticking to them. I went to London on Wednesday (got my tattoo! looks the bomb- 4 hours- Saira Hunjan is a genius with her magic tattoo needles)

I like plans, they keep your head focussed in the direction that will achieve the most within a time frame. Sometimes no plan is ok, but I like living with an idea of what will happen. Although who knows what the future holds- only one, and he isn't time bound or within the constraints that we impose on ourselves.

And so to bed
X

Why do we do what we do?

2009-10-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have no plan for this post, so lets see where it goes...

I was never a lazy student, I enjoy the sense of competition, the 'doing well' the learning, the competition with friends. The truth is, at the time of High School I was very Band-Camp. This developed into adulthood as geek. I'm not your conventional IT geek, but I am very happy with HTML code and love different types of font.

I was interested at school, learning really appealed to me- broadening my knowledge and asking why??

So why do we do what we do?

Thats all for now.

Team Katie, Team Peter and the death of Michael 'ee-hee shamon' Jackson

2009-07-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

Since I last blogged these are probably the 2 most notable events that took the media by storm.

In my life, things have been very up and very down. Dont worry this is not a cue for violins, and sadness, the downs are more to do with impending change....

Change is inevitable and yet on the whole- completely feared. Why? Why do we fear it so much.
I guess control is a major contributing factor. Where we are, what we know and what we feel comfortable with....safety.

Yet is there security in routine? At what point of 'always doing something this way' does it hold a sense of well-being? Maybe because at that point, we know what we are doing and you can justify your actions that way. We have confidence in the system, we understand they whys and wherefores and we all feed into it. That is of course until it is challenged externally.

It always comes back to the plan. The Plan. The one written for you since before the world began.

I would estimate that most people would like to think there is a plan, and that through their own actions they achieved it.
The reality being, that you cannot achieve your full potential by your own hand. Its hard to explain this to someone who believes that they get where they are going by there own actions. They plough time and sometimes money into these dreams of where they are aspiring to- now dont get me wrong, its healthy to have goals and dreams, but when they don't quite work out as you anticipated, it is in these moments that you are most vulnerable, and by concequence on display to your peers, family, friends, and the true marker of who you are.

I went through a period of time in my life being disappointed. With most things, but the bigger things being: Not having enough Money, Not having a boyfriend, and not working in the area I studied for. As I mentioned in a previous blog, according to the world- not great. Not so long ago I came to the conclusion, that yes, we do have an input and choice and a way of having input into our lives, we are not drones. Yet ultimatley there is a path we are on. The path would not be something radically opposite to anything we have an interest or passion for, but also something that would show our maximum potential for the greater glory.

As soon as I realised that I am now and have always been at the exact place and time I should have been for that point in my life, it made me see the future with new eyes.........

.......Rather than this alternate path that meant a fast horse chase to try and switch horses whilst crossing a bridge over crocodile infested waters.

I guess all I'm trying to say is embrace where you are and what you are doing. If you dont like it, then ask why you are where you are and how did you get there. Chances are before you are able to move on or in order to move on, you have got something to learn or something to teach.

Google a Moogle.

2009-06-01T03:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, this is a new one, blogging from work. Apparently we had a power cut yesterday, and as a result we have limited access to the computers and printers etc. But not the web hurrah.

I read an article this morning on the Wall Street Journal website (I hasten to add I am not an avid reader of the WSJ, I had Googled Google and there was an article today prior to the launch of the new search engine 'Bing' by Microsoft on Wednesday. Part of the article said:

Google, so dominates search on the Web that "google" has become a verb meaning "to look for information."

How true! I can't remember when I starting using Google as a verb, a bit like saying 'Hoover' or more recently 'Dyson' when we mean Vacuum Cleaner.

The other thing I like about Google, is when they alter their logo to commemorate special events or anniversaries.

I've decided to post a little bit about things that excite me at the moment. Looking at the web blogs that I am interested in reading, they are always the ones with some sort of product or design/craft attached to them. So, rather than just blog about thinking, I will add some sort of interest too :)

Ok, so, I'm going to start with sketchbooks. The first time I started to keep a visual sketchbook was at Sixth Form College, as part of the A-Level Art requirement. I have decided quite recently that I want to start sketchbooks again but with a free, lucid approach. The main problem I have when it comes to Art and Design is that I tend to air on the side of caution, I like pages to look as though they are polished and 'supposed to look like that'. Therein lies the problem, sometimes it takes a long time to arrive at the final stage and you have to draw a lot of rubbish along the way. I dont like the look of rubbish. Maybe that should be my starting point- My Rubbish Sketchbook.

I will see what happens :)
And so, back to work!
XX

Raindrops on Roses....

2009-05-08T13:30:00.001-07:00

In my last blog, I mentioned that I thought there is something very comforting about the moon.
Its a theme I wanted to pick back up here.

I have always had quite an active imagination. I like to wonder things and find things out. There are certain idiosycracies about myself that have been there for so long that you dont always realise that other people would find this outside what might be termed 'normal'.

Some of these actions come from myself, and include things like staring up at the moon in the day and finding it strange that I can see both the sun and the moon and then instantly wondering about someone in Australia and wondering, well, if I can see them both- then what are they seeing? The nothing? Like in the Neverending Story!
I like the white horses in the sea, I imagine I have to run to reach the shore before them.

I also dont like it, if I am throwing away a bottle and the top is not attached and is thrown in the same bottle, I feel bad that the top and bottle who were deemed a partnership by the factory in which they were made, is now doomed to a seperated life and its all because of me. And then I remind myself that the top and bottle are inanimate objects and I am being slightly too irrational with the whole analagy.
Another thing that I like, is when I eat a tomato and I get a seed left in my mouth, and instead of just swallowing it, I have to chase it around my mouth and bite it in half which is hard when they are covered in the jelly thing (to protect the seed) but when I do it, it makes me glad.

When I was young, my mum told me a series of things that I totally believed and took into my mind as 'just the way it is'.
These things include:
The Two Week Rule- not being able to wear anything new for ''at least two-weeks''. It was only when I got to Uni I discovered the rest of the world do not adhere to this rule. I still do, and I feel uncomfortable if I wear anything sooner than two-weeks.
Not getting into Brownies because I wasnt on the list when I was born- apparently there was a list you had to be put on when you were born in order to qualify into the Brownies, because I was not on it, I had to rely on second hand knowledge from the Brownies the following day in school.

I always feel the same fear when I get my head stuck trying to take off a jumper. Like an irrational fear that it will never come off and you'll spend the rest of your days with a jumper on your head.

I'm tired.

And so to bed
X

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars......

2009-05-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hello! Wow, its been absolutely ages. So, I thought I would dedicate a window of space and do a bit of mulling. Quite a lot has happened since my last post.
I've stopped stopped feeling bad when I dont have time to post. This is because either- nothing is happening or lots is happening but it is better sometimes to write about it after the happening.....in this way everything is edited a little more than it would have been- although the way I am explaining it all here, you wouldnt know :)

I like these photos- I took them on Monday, it was May Day bank hols. There is something very comforting about the moon. I think I will write more about this subject in another blog. Anyway, I like the idea that both the bird and the plane might be trying to fly to the moon :)

So-ho, back to the point. Since we left off, I now have a new employer- Vale Royal Borough Council ceased to exist as of the 1st April 2009 (which was Tuesday) and then overnight TA-DAAA we were now working for Cheshire West and Chester Council. Somehow, if we had gone home on Friday and come back on Monday, it may have worked, but we had to tie in with the new financial year, and so- mid week, the metaphoric rug was pulled and replaced with a whole new type of floor covering, that felt the same to walk on but looked a lot different.....

I learned quite a lot about myself, my view of change, my reation to change and the way in which I adapt to change.
There is a state of mind in councilling called the "Fight or Flight Response". A quick Google later: The "fight or flight response" is our body's primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to "fight" or "flee" from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.
So, I always thought I would be the type of person to fight when faced with adversity.
In fact I was a mix of both. But, through realising the flight tendancy within myself I also understood where that reaction was coming from.
Its late here, and I have Olivier Bareau in another window talking to me :) He is my lovely (and also my second follower on Blogger) oh and something I will be blogging about soon I think- for now I will sign off.

And so to bed.
X

All the world's waiting for you, and the power you possess. In your satin tights, Fighting for your rights And the old Red, White and Blue.....

2009-03-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

My friend Louise said something this week that I thought- wow, yeah I really connect with that:

"You know those times when your really stressed out with work or life in general (maybe not stressed to the point of breakdown) but you have a lot on your mind....and then something happens, or someone says something in the office- and you kind of respond on autopilot. Later that day/night, you remember the thing that happened and realise you really didnt have anytime to respond to that at all and then you feel really bad because you would have responded differently if you really listened".

Thats been my life since Christmas. And whereas the year before it led me down the merry dance of depression, now I am slightly despondent to events.

So, because I had such a fantastic weekend, I'm posting here to show the world the gorgeous dress I made and wore to the works fancy dress 1970's leaving party on Friday:
I won a prize for the best 70's icon :)

And so to bed
XX

"as you lay to die beside me baby on the morning that you came, would you wait for me? the other one would wait for me..."

2009-03-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

Its been ages since I last posted. Things of significance have happened, I keep thinking "I will post a blog about that" and then I dont get round to it and I feel sad.

So, I'll have a little muse.....about life. As ever.
I like metaphors, they make points simpler and also give a lot of scope for pictures to be painted across the imagination canvas of my mind.
Oh, and in case your wondering, the title of this post is from my new Fleet Foxes album.

Its the one tune I keep returning to, another person has used this as the title of their blog too, I found it when googling to get the meaning to the lyrics- I'm all about the lyrics, some people are all about the melody- I need to know what the person is singing about and why- I guess its because I like words...I like the way people interpret experiences and situations and articulate them to be funny, like a comedian, or poetic like a playwright or moving like a song writer.

My friend Peter-in-London sent me 3 texts at the beginning of the week:

1) Using six adjectives, describe a waterfall
2) and six adjectives to describe your dream pet
3)Your in a white empty bare room, no doors, no windows, imagine this and using six adjectives describe how you would feel in this setting?

Now, because this is Peter, this is nothing extraordinary, so I complied:

1) Natural, thunderous, dangerous, kinetic,
2) Loyal, soft, funny, loving,
3) Magical, inspiring, relaxed, clean,

He then said: By answering these questions you've described:

1) how you make love
2) How you perceive others see you
3) how you perceive death

That made me think. I dont really buy into this kind of email/text quiz thing but it did make me look at the amswers carefully.
Interesting :)

And so to bed.

XX

Can you hear it pumpin' on your stereo oh....

2009-02-10T16:16:00.000-08:00

I am finding that I go through phases where I get completely absorbed by one song, I get hooked into it and then I go to bed and its in my head. During the process of sleep, one would think that the song would disperse and sprinkle away as a distant memory so when you wake up in the morning you would have forgotten. Somehow the opposite is the reality.
Last night I went to bed with the new song by Lily Allen in my head- The Fear.
I heard half the song on Chris Evans Radio 2 the other night, but then when I watched it on YouTube last night I was mega disappointed she used the eff word twice. So, I'll be watching for the Radio Edit.
Cute dress in the video though:

I do like Lily Allen, although every now and again I am reminded by someone that I look like her. Other than the hair colour and heavy fringe I never see it. Gadge's friend Lawrence made me a lookalikey pic:Tonight I have had 'Only One' by Lifehouse in my head, this has been a recurring thing. I've been hooked into the lyrics: ""She's got a pretty smile, It covers up the poison that she hides, She walks around in circles in my head, Waiting for a chance to break me chance to take me down...."
I've googled the meaning behind this track and there were several interpretations. I have my own though. I may write something about that next time.

And so to bed
XX

I'm a Firestarter..... twisted Firestarter.....hey hey hey.

2009-02-03T16:37:00.001-08:00

So, on Saturday we finally had a fire. It was the best. Mainly because the wind was blowing the right way so we all didn't smell like bacon afterwards, the kind that clings to you and only disappears when you have a shower.
It was really hot as well.
Reuben came outside to watch, he was quite alarmed and kept barking at the fire. And then, as fire does, he became as hypnotised as me and calmed right down.

I love this picture, I love all the pink in the flames:

I love fire a lot more than water. I think I would be the Fire Avatar if I could be any.

I'm going to bed now, one eye keeps watering and its getting on my nerves.

And so to bed
XX

Never trust blue food....or egg custards.

2009-01-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

I'm really tired and I want to go to bed, mostly because I've eaten several Poppadoms, a fair amount of lime pickle, a chicken Dhansak with Pilau rice and half a Peshwari Naan.
It was good.
So, because I havent had any deep mullings recently, I'll indulge you with this one from yesterday:

Never trust blue food.

Or egg custards. Anything that encases itself in pastry and sinks in the middle can’t be right.
The alluring brown bit in the middle tries to lull you into a false sense of security- disguising what is, in essence, an egg based savoury jelly by using the brown bit to make itself look as endearing as cappuccino sprinkles. Nasty.

Blue food is rarely what it says on the tin. Blueberries are purple, they are not blue. Blue Jello by any stretch of the imagination does not sit well with anything else in the world that is edible- even other none-blue jello.
In conclusion; never ever trust blue food.

And so to bed
XX

That was the week that was....

2009-01-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

Hi,
Sorry it seems to have been a while doesn't it. Blimey- that last post was a bit War and Peace.....in an attempt to redress the balance I'll keep this one short and light.

Following for the last post, things didn't get much better. I've been expecting a bolt of thunder and a Damascus Road turning point moment. Neither have yet happened.

The most exciting thing to happen today was an early morning phone call from Jackie, the Big Lottery wrote to her today- we got the £8,600 that I wrote the bid for at the end of last year- GET IN!

On that note I'll go to bed. Another happy event happened today. I purchased a new duvet & "memory foam" pillow. I've changed the bed and cant wait to get in.

And so to bed.

XXX

Are some things better left unsaid?

2009-01-18T12:35:00.000-08:00

There is a scene in the movie 'My Best Friends Wedding" where Julianne (Julia Roberts) and Michael (Dermot Mulroney) are on a boat trip down the river. As the boat is going underneath a bridge, Michael is telling Julianne that Kimmy (his fiancé) says:
"I you love someone, you should just say it, right there out loud, otherwise the moment just passes you by"
Both of them are looking at each other, as the boat is coming back into the light from under the bridge and then suddenly- the moment has passed them by.
This weekend I had high hopes, its been my first full week back at work and I was really looking forward to achieving lots of little jobs that needed doing.
One incident happened on Friday night, that sort of sent a chain reaction right through the weekend and really brought me down. I will attempt to explain it all here and maybe it will give my mind some clarity.

A couple of years ago I did a night course in "Basics of setting up your own webpage". There were a few of us on the course, and naturally as these things go, you find yourself drawn to some people more than others. Oh, by the way, for the purposes of blogger I'll change everybody's names so I don't wind up on Judge Judy.

I clicked with a woman called Jane who was probably into her 40's and a guy called Rick who was early 30's.
Rick was a flirt, he was lovely, but a complete flirt. It was quite obvious that Jane really liked him but he spent his time flirting between the two of us.
Now in situations like that I don't compete. I'm not a jealous person and I don't get involved in those kind of 'battles'.

I did really like Rick though. He was very observant, he was able to discern quite detailed information about you after observing and listening- he was a Detective though so I put all that down to his job.
The course lasted about 8 weeks, and at the end I secretly hoped he might ask me out. He didn't but we did have each others email addresses. Thinking back I cant remember how long it took but in the style of Lemony Snickett, a Series of Unfortunate Events occurred:

1) We swapped mobile numbers and began texting each other
2) texting ultimately leads to more texting
3) I then started to ring him, he never picked the phone up though and suddenly I started to notice there were times when he couldn't or wouldn't text
4) He then texted me with a different mobile number and asked me to contact him on that number from then on
5) Highly suspicious I asked him if he was married
6) He text back to say he thought his wedding ring would have given that one away.

I have never encountered a situation like that before, I was so upset and angry. All this time I had been completely oblivious to the fact he was married! He never alluded to it at all and I was so hurt that he could do that, I felt like a mug and also terrible for his wife knowing I had been flirtatious with another woman's man.

After that I broke off all communication, I discovered (through Jane) that he also had a baby daughter which just sealed the desire to break all ties.

Fast forward to before Christmas, I receive a Facebook notification. Rick had joined and as my email was one of his contacts he added me as a friend. I left it a couple of days whilst I thought about it and sent him a message, "Didn't think I'd hear from you again".
After I thought, I decided 2 years was probably long enough and added him. Things had been great until Friday night. He was on Facebook chat and began a conversation with me. I said Hi back and asked how it was etc. etc.
We exchanged small talk about Christmas and I told him I'm running a course not too dissimilar to the one we met on.

I asked him how things were going with his wife (he has since had a little boy) he told me that I'd never let him explain what happened with his situation. I knew it was unwise to strike up this kind of conversation but somehow more of me wanted to hear him out after the amount of anger/hurt/upset and general bad vibes I'd had as previously mentioned.

He alluded that he is only staying with his family to make the best for them, but given his choice it is not how he would pick it. His wife suffers with some sort of illness (undisclosed) and he is staying with her for now.

This is the bit that screwed me up. Rational Helen at this point is saying "ok, turn the conversation into something less personal and more light hearted and then say goodnight and come offline". I don't know why I didn't do this.

Irrational Helen continued as follows......we carried on talking which quite quickly turned semi-flirtatious. He asked me if I'd heard from Jane at all, I said no, he doesn't either. We then (as you do with friends you haven't seen for a while) began to recount some of the days on the course.
He then brought up the subject of regrets and wishing you had said things at the time and later having the regret of not saying it.

He then proceeded to tell me that he always regretted not telling me how he "fancied the pants" off me 2 years ago and that he never listened to anything that went on in class.

Now. Here's an interesting "the difference between women and men" in terms of social relationships (and this is not the same for all men and women but as a blanket statement):

Men: Visually stimulated. Very quickly aroused and very primal/predatory in approach. No fuss. Like a quick lead up that meets the objective and then finish.

Women: Emotionally stimulated. Like to take time to build up to arousal, like a story, like to fill in the blanks, have imagination and are very good at reading signs and imagining 'Hollywood wooing' scenarios.

In a nutshell, when you get to the soppy bits in films, women love all that, men go and put the kettle on and wait for the action to start again.

So, by Rick telling me this, he is aroused by the excitement, the drama, the secret of telling another woman something highly personal. Instead of taking that information and saying "Ok, really stop now, this is never good territory to be in" I went into emotional imagination land. Suddenly all those feelings from the past that had been placed in a box and were sealed shut were out. I told him how I really liked him and how I'd always quite thought we'd be good together.

To finish, he suggested we meet for coffee, I suggested that wouldn't be a great idea. I came offline and we texted for a while. We texted some more throughout the night and eventually we both fell asleep.
In the morning I woke up and within 10 seconds remembered all the events of the night before.

There is something inherently sobering about daylight that really casts "right and wrong" into all situations. I was also struck by just how easily I'm drawn to sin.

I realise the desire to satisfy my curiosity is, at times, so strong it leads me into all sorts of wrong doing.

To bring me back to the title of this blog, although we think we should have no regrets and say what you think out loud before the moment passes. I would say, look first at the situation. Look at those likely to be affected by what you say and ask yourself is it really worth saying. Some things that lived in the past should also be buried in the past, speaking them into the future just spells trouble or in my case Sin.

Travelling Light

2009-01-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

Wow, I cant believe how much time has passed....although in other respects I can. This week I completed my first full week back at work since the Christmas break. The week before I went to London.

There were a couple of minor hitches which meant 1) I didn't go down on the train and ended up taking 2 days leave and staying at home and 2) I didn't get my tattoo done, but instead re-scheduled a consultation for March with a view to getting it inked in July/August time.

Instead I travelled down in the car with Mum and Arthur which was ok, and only having Fri-Sunday. Last Saturday we went to the Matinee performance of Quidam at The Albert Hall as performed by Cirque Du Solei:

The show was absolutely amazing. 4 years ago we saw Saltimbanco at The Big Top when it came to Trafford, Manchester. That was awesome too but somehow given the grandure of The Albert Hall it made it all the more amazing. I love going to things like that, you always come away feeling really inspired!

I will write more about my trip later, currently nothing in this house is stirring, not even a Reuben so I better get myself to bed post haste.

Night
X

Another suitcase in another hall, where am I going to........you'll get by you always have before......where am I going to........

2009-01-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

Today I didn't do a great deal, I walked the dog and did some mulling. My back is feeling better!
There is something about New Year that has this affect, the idea of a New Year, fresh start, new you is very often the starting point for the 1st January. The older I get, the more I seem to mull more. 2008 was one of the most difficult years I have ever had, for a whole number of reasons. I went through quite a lot of emotional journeys I had never encountered before, and to an extent this shakes your confidence quite a lot.

I had quite a few revelations on parts of my personality this last year, one of them being- fear.
What is fear?...... until now I have always imagined fear to be a tangible, obvious weakness that is very clear cut and when ready to 'deal with it' people are set free to move on up.
I have a massive fear of the dark, and deep water, when faced with either irrationality pushes me to the point of hyper ventilation. As a result I don't put myself in positions to face either of these events.
What I didn't realise was, I have been living with a massive fear of failure. When this was revealed and I actually started to think about this, I came to the conclusion it has arose through the way we are schooled. From a very young age, we are conditioned through boundaries and systems that we attain a particular level of achievement by a particular age.
I was one of the high attainers in my year even through High School. Things began to change a little when I got to sixth form college, and I was suddenly a lot more average across the board, I completely failed German A-Level and yet I still attained highly at Art A Level. The hardest failure was A-Level Textiles. I failed this attaining a U grade......this was the subject I was going to study at University.
Thankfully I still had enough points to gain entry to Uni, yet again I was average but managed to graduate with 2:2 grades.
When you leave University, you are 21 and for the first time in your life, there is no plan. There is no educational track, there is no sure-fire 3 year plan. Its you and you alone. I will point out at this point, that I am a Christian woman and my Christian walk has done nothing but bring me closer to Jesus and point me more towards the things he has in store for me.

Herein lies my problem. I know my path has been marked, and I know:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Subconsciously whilst on the one hand I know whatever I am here to do on this earth, it will come about and I will be led into it.......yet I have still been trying to mark my attainment by my peers.

By the standards of the world I am not doing well at all. I graduated 8 years ago, I don't work in the field that I qualified in, I am still not earning enough money to pay off my student loans, I don't have a pension, I pay rent, I am not on the property ladder, I am constantly overdrawn.....
constant mulling of this made me question what I am doing at all.
Yet........ I eat good food, I live in a warm house, I have a car, and a mobile phone, I don't have to commute to get to work, I work with some amazing people, I have a vast social network of friends that grows year on year and I've experienced some of the best memories ever.

Last February I read an inspiration quote that turned my thinking around:

''What would you do, if you knew there was no chance of failure?"

I can think of lots!! Which brought me back to my original point- what am I so afraid of?

Some days I feel like nobody understands me, and question what I am doing with my time. Since mulling the fear of failure in my life I have learned that I have to see the bigger picture and look back on the life I have already been living and say " That was the hand of God when I worked there because it eventually led to ...... and this was the hand of God when I met that person because it led to......"

All to often I look at what the world dictates that I should be attaining instead of saying "You know what, you can keep you top 10 'things to do before your 30' lists, I'm living for someone a lot bigger than lists and this guy knows where he is taking me!"

The trials of heels and other perils of inappropriate footwear.

2009-01-02T12:19:00.000-08:00

I went shopping in Chester today with mum. She spend a great deal of time asking last night: 1) "Where are we going tomorrow?" and then 2) "What time are we going tomorrow?" There is nothing new in this, she asks this every Friday night with a view to Saturday morning.
I suggested 10am, she agreed after mulling that this was "really late" its probably worth pointing out here that I am a night owl and she is an early bird.....never the twain are never likely to meet here.

So, we left the house at 9.55am. Although, at 9.10am Mum came into my bedroom to announce she was ready. The trouble with getting ready in a rush is, you never know what your going to need or wear or eat. One of the major factors of this morning was my inability to find my left footed black and white heel. In my haste to locate it I stumbled upon my yellow flat jellys. A much better choice, I felt, with my purple tights and black leggings.

Alas the jellys proved to be my downfall (quite literally) whilst walking down an ancient well worn narrow part of town between the Top Row and the Bottom Row (If you have never been to Chester, the shops are step on 2 levels, the Bottom Row which is street level and the Top Row which is up some steps above Bottom Row) I misplaced my footing somewhere and landed rather abruptly at the bottom of the steps very aware of my back which has landed on the edge of one of the stone steps.

Its steadily getting more painful by the hour, I haven't tried to lie down yet, heaven knows how that is going to go, I can just about master sitting to standing and back.

Ho-Hum, a vivid entrance to 2009.

At some stage I will tell you about the fated incident of the twisted knee on the wall with the red heels, a historical day remembered clearly not only from the fated incident but also the 'Managing your emotions in the workplace' conference with Chad. He was American, and all his anecdotes were delivered in a very camp fashion........

X

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T18:09:00.000-08:00

Well, despite Elton, the Hootenanny, Reuben getting spooked by fireworks, running up and down the avenue, toast and tea, I survived.

Once again another year spent chilling out, doing bits of things that have needed doing for ages that I've never quite found the moment to do......tonight I filed all the inspirational pages of Vogue and Elle magazine for use when I'm feeling creative.

I must say I am still loving the UK Vogue from December 2008, it was the 'Fantastic Fantasy Fashion' issue and the imagery is just amazing. The gatefold cover showing Kate Moss in swaths of golden tulle is just magical, but the shoots inside by Tim Walker are so intricately detailed and absolutely absorbing, the kind of images you look at then look into, and then look at and into every time you see them.

Its images like this that inspire me to keep going forward........

More tomorrow, for now to bed, to dream........Night XX

Jolene

2008-12-30T15:00:00.000-08:00

For most of the day I've had the song Jolene going around in my head. This is mainly because yesterday I was on YouTube, I've noticed every single time (without fail) that I find myself on the aforementioned site, the very video that leads me there ultimately becomes a catalyst to 100 others videos I end up watching that I had no idea I was going to watch. Kind of like shopping, you always come home with so many things you didnt expect to buy alongside the thing you needed. Anyway.....where was I .....I digress, ah yes, YouTube.....yes, so I went on with the intention of finding a video by David Cook (the American Idol winner 2008) and inadvertantly stumbled upon a video by Mindy Smith- her version of Jolene.

Well, I liked it so much I FLV'd it straight away and its now on my Ipod, I was listening to it whilst walking Reuben earlier.

Oh yes, I went to Chester, bit of a marathon session, parked on the street so I had 30mins to do everything I needed to do and get back, I think I ran over by about 15mins but there were no wardens and I didnt get booked so that was pretty good.

Going now, its getting late and I want to get up and see more of the morning than an hour tomorrow.

Night!
XX

Working that 'in-between-time' of Christmas and New Year.

2008-12-29T04:36:00.000-08:00

Hello, its me again. Its quite late in the morning really 12.38 (so technically I guess that is afternoon) but it still feels relatively early considering I only got out of bed at 11am.

Its flippin' freezing I know that much. Not even the trees are moving. I'm staying put for the time being, I've got a pile of clothes to list on ebay. Think I'll do that now.
Hey, I got my first follower of my blog! 'Carawayseed' So a special hello to you!

Mums gone to work today, I dont much like the idea of working that 'in-between-time' of Christmas and New Year. Part of me wishes we could transport back to the time when the shops really did shut for Christmas and you couldn't pop into the sales on Boxing Day, and you bought all your groceries from those shops with racks of shelves high up behind the counter, and the assistants worked out the maths in their heads and climbed up on ladders to get the sugar and bon-bons and when you walked home people knew your name and if they didnt they called you Miss and helped you with your bags. Maybe I've seen too much period drama over the holidays.....

And so that was Christmas

2008-12-25T16:35:00.000-08:00

And what have we done?

Well, to be perfectly honest not a great deal....which suited me just fine. I am a big fan of chill mode and sleeping, and when these two rare past times come together in one day that almost expects both elements to be a part of it, well happy days all round!

Christmas Eve, I finally got to bed around 1.30am. In a bizarre twist to the norm, our household decided seeing as technically the stroke after midnight heralds a new day, that day in question being Christmas Day, lets just open all our presents now. And they did. Although I did not.

So, this morning we got up and went to church, as usual I sat in the back and attempted to eat a clementine for breakfast. I say attempted as I didnt get very far to find they were actually just past the point of being ok and too chewy.

So yeah, went to church for the 1 hour service which was great- in the chapel so it was really lovely. Then came home, had a brew and opened my presents. I did very well, highlights being a diamanté costume jewellery ring in pink that sparkles under the halogens and a beautiful red and white polka dot ensemble purse, diary, note book and brolly combo. Rockabilly a go-go.

Saw Gavin and Stacey for the first time tonight, I think its one of those things I will have to go back and watch from the beginning, loved it.
The Royle Family Christmas Special was mint, the banjo playing/tambourine playing/Celebration eating were alarming accurate in our household this year.

Well its about that time, and so to bed.

Night

X

Helen does a blog intro.

2008-12-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

Oh Hello! Sorry, have you been here long? I'm new to this, you'll have to excuse me I don't know the layout and I got a bit lost......... well nevermind all that here we all are!.....

Yes, if you'll just pop the kettle on, while I get myself sorted, I'm sure its around here somewhere....... sorry? Ah yes your right, there it is, right by the teabags.

No milk or sugar thanks......yes I know, not many people drink it black!

Anyway, blogging? Yes let me have a look, yes here it is, thats what we are doing today isn't it? Right well, I'll crack on, my name is Helen. I live in mid Cheshire which is North West UK, about 40 mins south of Manchester. I'm here today to start my blog, its one of those things I've wanted to do for a while, but with one thing and another, you never seem to get round to it. In much the same way you only go online to check your emails and before you know it your Facebook chatting with friends (you've never met) in Canada whilst simultaneous gasumping last minute bidder-uppers on Ebay for six-inch stilletoes.

I'm so pleased you've been able to join me tonight, by starting this nowI hope you'll all be able to pop back in and out when you can and enjoy the ramblings of an almost 30 repressed artist living on the edge of translation.

As its Christmas Eve I'll let you go early, I'll pop back soon and let you know how I'm getting on.